Crying in Public: A Nightmare or a Gift from God?

Introduction 

Accidentally bursting into tears in front of people can be very embarrassing and awkward. It happens to me occasionally at school or other public places. It’s definitely not always caused by grief and normally I’ll cry about so many things that I can’t even figure out what the problem is, but when it is grief-related I often feel guilty or like no one cares so I should stop. A lot of people are scared of crying at school, as Fear in Inside Out reveals when he famously yells the line: ‘We’re crying at school!’ In fact, that line is my normal paranoid reaction.

However, even though situations like these can be very very awkward, whether the tears come in class, while in conversation with someone, or at a grocery store, these tears can also be very redemptive to you if you choose to let yourself cry. 

Psychologically Tears Have a Purpose

Inside Out alludes to this psychological experience when Sadness explains to Joy, who is frustrated that she is crying, that “Crying helps me obsess over the weight of life’s problems.” After she cries, she is better able to continue going through their journey instead of trying to fight off emotions and save them for a later time.

Crying is definitely not the only expression of grief, but it’s the most immediately recognizable one, so a lot of people think that a person is only grieving if they cry once in awhile. Please know that that is not true. While several people experience a lot of tears in grieving, it does not mean you do not miss your loved one if you do not cry at the funeral, when their name is mentioned, or at any other time when you intellectually think you should, but you do not emotionally feel like crying.

Culture and Crying

However, there are so many times when we are told indirectly by other people’s reactions and directly by the other person themselves that crying is weak, immature, or unnecessary. People look at their feet, find some excuse to leave, or stand there watching you nervously. These types of things made me afraid to cry in front of other people to the extent of paranoia.

Over time I’ve found that most of the time, people ignore other’s tears, not because they don’t care but because they don’t know what they can do to support you. It’s hard to know what to do when someone cries and it’s natural for others to feel like they should do something to help, but how they choose to respond does not prove that crying is a bad thing.

Tears as a Gift

The view of crying that so many people get from awkward experiences directly contradicts the verse ‘weep with those who weep,’ (Romans 12:15b, NLT, where Paul says that we should be with the people we see grieving to show them that not only do we care, but we have reasons to be broken together).

I have some favorite song lyrics that have helped me understand that tears can actually be a gift from God sometimes:

‘It's ok to cry

It's ok to fall apart

You don't have to try

To be strong when you are not

And it may take some time to make sense of all your thoughts

But don't ever fight your tears

'Cause there is freedom in every drop

Sometimes the only way to heal a broken heart is when we fall apart’ - 

-‘When We Fall Apart’ by Ryan Stevenson, 2021

‘You're not alone, we all have days

When the well inside needs to break

Just let 'em fall, like healing rain

Watch the walls, start crumbling

Let your heart beat, and feel the weight

You've carried disappear

Just let 'em fall, right down your face

Hit the ground, in a pool of grace

And feel the things, you haven't felt for years

That's why God made tears …

Watch the old become new

Let the fear fade away

Feel His arms around you

Ohh, It's OK’

-‘Tears’ by Matt Hammet, 2017

Personally, I normally feel calm and a little happy after a long cry. I often feel anxious and angry when I force myself to hold tears in. 

Suppressing a natural inclination you feel to cry is sometimes wise, depending on the situation, but generally the natural inclination is happening for a reason.

God created tears as a way to help us process suffering. Hiding emotions only causes enormous social and personal problems later.

It is when you vulnerably allow yourself to acknowledge that you are hurting and acknowledge it before God by letting yourself cry that you can begin to experience His comfort. We are not strong enough to continually hold off the impact insecurities, fears, frustrations, stress, longings, regrets, and other emotions have on our hearts 24/7. 

God is always safe to bring your tears before. He will put His loving arms around you in the same way David feels comfort in Psalm 142:1-3a when he writes ‘I cry out to the Lord; I plead for the Lord’s mercy. I pour out my complaints before him and tell him all my troubles. When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn.’ 

Tears Allow Us to Signal When We Need Support from Others

A few months ago, eleven peers and I were having a very emotion-stirring, grief-related conversation in a school class. Many people left that class crying. I also felt like crying, but did not because I assumed my tears would just be a nuisance. I wrestled with assumptions I’d made years earlier and decided it was wrong for me to cry even though everyone else around me was. 

I decided that I could be strong, take notes in the next class to send to the peers who were having trouble paying attention because of emotional difficulties (After all, I definitely empathized with that position.), and convinced myself I could put my own tears off until I got home four hours later.

I watched those peers that did cry be accepted by my classmates who did not even understand what they were upset about. These classmates asked me what happened in the previous class and approached the others with love, respect, a listening ear, and sincere care even as out next class started.

My peers shamelessly took time to process their emotions and recover from the emotional strain in a physical way. All of them were able to concentrate by the end of class and seemed relaxed and content to face the present.

Meanwhile, I felt overwhelmed by thoughts I was not allowing myself to process, discouraged that I couldn’t just pay attention, and burdened by everything that I would need to do in the next hour. My mind felt like an immense chaos and when I finally got home and tried to deal with my emotions, I found that I couldn’t cry, but could only continue dwelling on those thoughts over and over again because that is what I had been doing all day.

I’m sharing all of this to say that the choice to either take or leave God’s gift of tears to you in the present can affect how the rest of your day goes. 

Especially in my region, pretending to be fine when you absolutely do not feel fine emotionally or physically is part of the culture. Many people worry so much about burdening others with their emotions, so they choose to just hide those emotions and showcase a false joy in the hopes of tricking oneself into being happy. Consistently pretending like this does not work and has never worked well.

Crying in public may make you feel humiliated, but it reminds other people that you do have brokenness in your life, just like they do. 

As Francesca Battistelli points out in her song, ‘If We’re Honest’ (2014):

‘love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest …

There is freedom found when we lay our secrets down at the cross’

We can be honest with God about our struggles undoubtedly. We can also be honest with people about our struggles because in those struggles, other people can experience God’s comfort and mercy through us. In uniting to confirm that grief is a normal human experience, our tears can be powerful proof that the observers who also will (if they haven’t already) feel alone at some point, that no one has to suffer alone, no one has to grieve alone. God provides us with His Presence and provision throughout our lives, but He also knows that interaction with other people is another gift He gave us back in Genesis when He quickly observed that ‘It is not good for the man to be alone.’ (Genesis 2:18, NLT).

Conclusion

We are innately wired to long for deep connection with one another. One way to do that is to not only rejoice in public, but also be unafraid to show grief in public.

Even if people do decide to humiliate you for tears and/or you experience lots of embarrassment, don’t give into the temptation to be too ashamed to process grief in public again. You are allowing yourself to process today’s emotions so that you can grow from them inside of stifling them and saving them for later. This is not wrong. People in scripture cried all the time and we still respect them (David & Jeremiah & Jesus). Crying is not wrong. It is a harmless emotional expression.

Yet, the calm and the joy that comes after is what makes the experience of crying valuable, not the tears themselves. We are meant to experience joy. Don’t try to cry when you don’t feel like crying. Just trust that God will give you the gift of tears when He knows you need it.